Occasionally you might meet a child who seems to have it all figured out at a young age. She excels at a particular sport or activity and does the same in school. She sails through things effortlessly and takes changes in stride. In contrast, many parents and children struggle to strike a balance between downtime and activity. Children and parents alike get overwhelmed by the number of choices and feel confused about what to do and how to fit it all in.

Parents want their children to have opportunities to be exposed to lots of possibility. They want to maximize their potential skills, and they want to keep their kids out of trouble. What criteria should you use for making choices about time? How many activities make sense?

When parents ask for advice, sometimes they are looking for a formula, the answer that will simplify and benefit their decision making. The truth is that the answer lies with the child and our job as parents is to reflect, track, and guide.  So . . . I encourage parents to listen and watch for their child’s reaction to various activities both at home and when they are out and about. Is your child child hopping up and down and asking “When is it time to go?” Does she talk about the recent game or class spontaneously or repeat the dance move at home? Is he asking for you to help him learn the skills required? Does she seem relaxed and alert afterward? These are all signs that you might have found a fit. If so, congratulate yourself on getting to step one.

On the flip side, if your child is irritable after the activity, or if he or she continually resists going, some investigation may be required on your part. Is this a child who has some initial fear but then works through it to benefit from the participation? Is your child overstimulated by the activity to such a degree that she would benefit from a year of waiting?  Is there a concern about the dynamic between the coach or teacher and your child?  Ultimately, if your child is old enough, you will both benefit from collaboration.  Much of the learning that comes from after-school activities is NOT about the activity itself, especially when children are young.  Rather, the activity is the backdrop for learning about strengths and fears, building interest, practicing social skills, and learning how to sustain joy.

I use the word joy with emphasis because we have all known adults who move from one thing to another never quite finding the meaning they are seeking. These adults struggle to know their own desire and to know how to meet their own needs. We have the opportunity with children to help them explore themselves.  They can simultaneously experience life while they learn to make meaning and sustain interest.  It is our tracking of our children that models how they can in turn track themselves.

Some parents ask, what happens when we’re moving along with a chosen activity, and we hit an unexpected rough patch?  What if my child starts out liking something but then his interest wains?  What if the coach gets too strict or a crabby day results in a lack of motivation? Should I make my child stick it out, especially if we put money into it? This is where we “tune in” to our kids and figure out what’s really going on (step two). In the process, we give them life skills. If the problem is a coach who is married to a rule book and feels too rigid to your child, can you help them cope with the structure while they still enjoy the benefits of participation, or is the whole experience killing their desire? Here we return to the concept of collaboration. By helping our children explore their capacity and resilience, we can sort out what calls for a“time out” or a day off and what calls for rethinking the decision to take part in the first place.

When we talk about what’s appropriate for a child, we need to consider their age and development. Children develop at different rates and what works for one child may not work for another. Similarly one child may be able to articulate why something isn’t working for him while another may need her parent to narrate the possible reasons for her.  Also, we know that children need both expansion (stimulation and activity) and contraction (recovery and downtime) in their day. The movement between expansion and contraction lendsitself to a rhythm. When children learn their own rhythm, they learn a life skill, one that will serve them well as they recover from stressful events in adult life. Its a given that our children will experience stress as they mature. We want them to have the skills to handle the stress and the knowledgethat they can find their own joy.

Additionally, with regard to expansion and contraction, it is helpful to consider that what works for one child may not work for another. You, as the parent, can trust your instinct. Some children gravitate toward stimulation and require less recovery time.  Others are more easily overwhelmed by stimulation and need longer periods of downtime. If you are tracking your children, they will eventually learn how to read the cues for themselves and to tell you what they need.

Sometimes parents ask me “What if the activities interfere with play-time? I explain that play is one of the keys to accessing the joy circuitry in a child’s brain.  A child who can play and connect with others in the process experiences freedom, spontaneity, and happiness. The two boys in the picture on the first page are living a moment that will positively impact their brain development. The receptors in a our nervous systems that are activated by play are the same as those that get activated by opiates. In other words, play soothes our systems and regulates our nerves. It is a necessary part of development. Your children will send you cues if they have not had enough play if you watch for the signs.

My goal, as I work with parents and children is to help them find the answers that work for them. Families have different needs and different styles. Often parents make decisions based on their own childhood experiences or reactions. With understanding comes insight and the ability to parent with a higher degree of consciousness and perception.